ARE WOMEN BETTER PARENTS THAN MEN?
Some people might think that women are better parents than men .(P)From my perspective(S), I believe that both male and female can play a vital role in building up the family.In this essay,I am going to elaborate that point in more detail(s) (G). (Nice introduction).
Eve is kind ,generous and has the ability to convense(S)(convince) . She can really affect the child in a positive way ,the reason for that is the motherhood sentiment that God has offered(WC)(granted) her.However,women cannot live without men ,as they are in a great need (for) of them. No matter the fact that she is strong,(but,)(G) still man gives her and children safety and protection.(The subject in the second part of sentence should correspond the one in the first part) (still she needs protection,for herself and her children, by a man)
Moreover, the child has to feel that there is somebody who is caring (about) for him all the time at home ,and other who is supplying the best way of living.These(P) obligations must be shared by both mother and father.
Both parents should have a positive important role at home ; for example: trying to understand their children and giving the same shared opinions(S) in teaching them (the) (G) good manners.
What is more,is that when a child grows up, he /she needs those who showed him/her the right way to his/her future life .(, where) Father is the most appropriate person who (will)(G)(can) do so, and this is because man is usually mindly thinking (WC) (rational thinking?) rather than being emotional.
To sum up, I strongly believe that both Adam and Eve (are completing)(WC/G)(complement) each other to produce virtuous and useful generations.(A couple of more sentences are needed)
NOURA
Well done, NOURA!Superb effort.
You have got a good and fluent writing style.Short sentences make it more appealing.
You have very nicely used connecting words,phrases to express your opinion such as 'from my perspective',and finally use of 'to sum up' to sum it up.
Some suggestions:
Four paragraph format would be preferable.
Ensure writing about 250 plus words,otherwise you will be penalised.
A few more examples should have been given.
Basically, I agree wholeheartedly with Dr Rashid's comments and advice.
Great work, Noura, keep to the four paragraph blocks with intelligent use of linking words aided by relevant examples from your experience, studies, reading or wherever.
Come on the other 15 prize seekers!
Tony
Eve is kind ,generous and has the ability to convense(S)(convince) . She can really affect the child in a positive way ,the reason for that is the motherhood sentiment that God has offered(WC)(granted) her.However,women cannot live without men ,as they are in a great need (for) of them. No matter the fact that she is strong,(but,)(G) still man gives her and children safety and protection.(The subject in the second part of sentence should correspond the one in the first part) (still she needs protection,for herself and her children, by a man)
Moreover, the child has to feel that there is somebody who is caring (about) for him all the time at home ,and other who is supplying the best way of living.These(P) obligations must be shared by both mother and father.
Both parents should have a positive important role at home ; for example: trying to understand their children and giving the same shared opinions(S) in teaching them (the) (G) good manners.
What is more,is that when a child grows up, he /she needs those who showed him/her the right way to his/her future life .(, where) Father is the most appropriate person who (will)(G)(can) do so, and this is because man is usually mindly thinking (WC) (rational thinking?) rather than being emotional.
To sum up, I strongly believe that both Adam and Eve (are completing)(WC/G)(complement) each other to produce virtuous and useful generations.(A couple of more sentences are needed)
NOURA
Well done, NOURA!Superb effort.
You have got a good and fluent writing style.Short sentences make it more appealing.
You have very nicely used connecting words,phrases to express your opinion such as 'from my perspective',and finally use of 'to sum up' to sum it up.
Some suggestions:
Four paragraph format would be preferable.
Ensure writing about 250 plus words,otherwise you will be penalised.
A few more examples should have been given.
Basically, I agree wholeheartedly with Dr Rashid's comments and advice.
Great work, Noura, keep to the four paragraph blocks with intelligent use of linking words aided by relevant examples from your experience, studies, reading or wherever.
Come on the other 15 prize seekers!
Tony
posted by Anonymous at
5:54 pm
2 Comments:
Well done, young lady!
This essay works!
- Sensible introduction
- Reasonable ideas
- Argument developed
- Conclusion complements introduction
Maybe it needed a few more specific examples to back up the argument.
I can look at the language points tomorrow, unless Dr Rashid does the honours.
The ladies are blazing the trail with posting work on the weblog. Where are the 9 gentlemen from the class?
Excellent job, Miss Noura! I see DISTINCT improvement in your written work! :)
Good night
Tony
By
Tony Beale, at 10:44 pm
Well, good old Dr Rashid has beaten me to it!
Nevertheless, I shall have a critical look at Noura's essay in due course.
Thanks for your help and interest Dr Rashid!
Regards
Tony
By
Tony Beale, at 3:35 pm
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